I love a good plan. I love writing mental lists of the jobs I have to complete and by what time they need to be completed by, it makes me feel safer and more in control, yes, weird I know, however, last night at 23:30pm I decided to be spontaneous for the first time in my life and book a coach to London at stupid o’clock in the morning to go to Radio 1s Teen Awards red carpet because I had a gut feeling it was a good idea, I felt strangely optimistic. However, as I write this now, I’ve realised that my optimism was stupid. The red carpet was reserved for people with certain tickets, and seeing as I didn’t have any ticket at all, I wasn’t allowed anywhere near it. I’d spent nearly £35, travelled 2 and a half hours on a coach and then caught three tubes all to stand behind a barrier, alone, by a road. Now, don’t get me wrong, seeing Mel off of Mel and Sue (she also said hello to me which was cool) and seeing some of my favourite youtubers in the flesh was amazing and unbelievable, Dan (danisnotonfire) even waved at me which was amazing, but it wasn’t worth my time.
It feels like, no matter how hard I try, the things I believe in rarely work out the way I want them to, and I don’t know what’s worse, the feeling it was going to be perfect and then wasn’t, or the feeling of knowing you didn’t even try…
And, now onto disappointment. I have always been the friend who is there but not important. The friend who is eventually forgotten about. The friend who is used for various reasons. And today that happened again. Someone arranged to meet me, and then cancelled after letting me wait, on my own, for 20 minutes, then I saw that she met up with a different friend istead. And this other person, just left me on my own.
Ever since primary school things like this have happened and I still trust people, I live in the hope that the friends I make, whether they’re real world or internet, will be there for me as I am there for them, but more often than not, they aren’t there for me. I spent the coach journey home crying over how pathetic I am, because I set myself up for disappointment with every friend I have; I am waiting for the day someone choses someone else over me.
On a more positive note, being alone in London has given me the confidence to go to radio 1 one day to try and meet some of the DJs and this whole shitty experience has really shown me that I do have some best friends out there, especially Emma and Lamb(don’t ask) who were there for me as I cried over text. I can’t thank them enough, they really do mean the world to me.