A Magic Lamp

I’m going to be honest with you all, my mood lately has been… changeable. One minute I cannot stop smiling, the next I’m barely able to lift my head up. My anxiety has changed slightly and my whole life is in a liminal state and is so dependent on external sources that I feel lost.

I thought I would ask myself what would I do with a magic lamp? In order to make my days go by easier than they have been, I thought I would enlist the help of a magic lamp and a magical Genie. I get “selfish” three wishes, and here they are:

I wish for the ability to be able to do maths. I want to feel confident with maths, I want to understand how to do percentages, I want to understand how to calculate the best pension scheme for me, I want to know what it feels like not to have to triple check your sums on a calculator.

I wish for my anxiety to stop messing with my brain. I want my heart rate to beat to a normal pace when I’m about to see a friend. I want my breathing to stay normal when I’m talking to people I’ve never met. I want my hands to stop shaking when I’m addressing a crowd.

I wish for the ability to sing. I would love to be able to sing in the shower or in the car and not feel like an embarrassment. I don’t want to become a singer. I just like music.

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Memory Lane

I’m writing this post to ask you for some reassurance.

I am so afraid about losing my memories that I hoard all of my memories. I watched a clip of The Land Before Time while I ate breakfast the other day. This is not normal behaviour for 21 year olds. On a similar note, I have a YouTube playlist with clips from TV shows and songs from my childhood that I like to re-watch from time to time just to make sure I don’t forget any of them exist. I have an events countdown app on my phone, and even when the event has been and gone I like to keep the event so I don’t forget the event happened. I’m now counting the days since something happened.

Do any of you do this? Do you have to keep reminding yourself of everything you have ever done or have ever seen? I think I’m doing it due to a fear of becoming ill and losing my memory, especially when it comes to things like gigs. It feels like it’d be such a waste and such a shame for all the amazing things I’ve wanted to do for years and years to suddenly be forgotten.  It feels like I’d be letting 15 year old me down.